Giving Your Hamster a Colonoscopy
It is a scary prospect to think that your $8 hamster might lose his life. Luckily, with eight years of medical expertise and a just a bit of practice, you can solve his little problem in no time at all. Here is your all-in-one crash course to giving your hamster a colonoscopy.
Step one: Go on eBay and get one of those snake cameras used to assess clogs in drain pipes and garbage disposals.
Step two: Lace his water with liquid benzodiazepine. You might feel bad about this at first, but trust me. You want your hamster to be a calm as possible. You haven’t figured out what the problem is yet, so be sure to hold its little paw in your hand and tell it that everything is going to be okay. Make sure he is comfortable and has some soft bedding to rest on.
If you’re having a hard time finding benzodiazepine, try scraping your knees real bad and then reporting severe pain to your primary care physician. Consider spreading glazed ketchup and small black pebbles across your thigh for extra effect.
Step three: Get some lube so you can shove that bad boy up its butt.
Step four: Shove that camera up its butt. This is your hamster’s colonoscopy. Keep your hands from shaking as the camera enters its tiny anus. Make sure there are no obstructions inside of its body.
Step five: Once it wakes up, it’s going to want to know why its butt hurts. For a few days after the procedure, it will want to sit on something cold. Gently place an ice cube near its food bowl.