Who Invented Alcohol?
As you look out your apartment window and see people constantly intoxicated to the point where they can’t walk, you can’t help but to wonder who invented alcohol. It seems like the devil’s nectar, one of the major causes of car accidents and often involved in violent crimes and murder. If you were to put the shoe on the other foot, however, you would see that alcohol takes the edge off and helps you escape reality. Buddha said that life is suffering, so trying to go through life without a vice might be crazier than nothing.
But where did alcohol come from, and who invented alcohol? Alcohol is the result of what we call fermentation. Micro organisms take a dump in your grape juice or apple juice and that poop is what makes the drink alcoholic. I’m sure it didn’t take a genius to accidentally drink some and realize how good it felt.
What is Alcohol Good For?
But what is alcohol good for? Well, for one, germs have a hard time surviving in it. Sure, this comes in handy for antiseptic reasons, but it also was darn useful when there was no clean water available. Rather than risk drinking from a stream and getting melanoma, you could just spend all day at the ancient nightclub (cave) and drink ancient nightclub booze (half chewed apples fermented with spit). And they often started early. You might get shitfaced in a cave at sunrise with Big Chief Boogabooga, only to stumble on after dark through the thickets, and reeds, and underbrush. This made sense hundreds of years ago, but why do people still follow this trend today?
The answer is simple: vaginal intercourse.
How Alcohol is Used Socially Today
When women are interested in things other than a guy at a bar – such as books, movies, their personal lives, or other meaningless crap – just dump some alcohol down a man’s throat and he’ll do one of two things: kill her on the spot, or pressure her so much that she’ll be forced to say yes. Maybe later, he’ll get kicked out of the bar, or he might get stabbed or pepper sprayed.
There’s no simple solution, but you can see how alcohol can be a useful tool to help you find an excuse to get what you want, regardless of those cumbersome needs of that other annoying person from whom you are trying to get it. Besides, why go to a bar if you’re going to put up a “bitch shield” the whole time?
Personally, alcohol is my total fave. Thor is an alcoholic in the Marvel movies, bro.
How to Make Alcohol
Making a delicious alcoholic drink isn’t too hard. To make a wine, for example, you just need crushed grapes, honey, and water. Let that bitch marinate in an open bucket for a month or two. You’re going to want to put a close-knitted screen on the top of the bucket because you’re about to encounter more fruit flies than you did at your dad’s 50th birthday party when he took you to a drag show the week after he left your mom.
Anyway, after enough time has passed, you discard the rubbery layer at the top and then move the liquid to a sealed container. You’ll probably want a pressure valve unless you don’t mind your unlicensed winery exploding all over your kitchen.
Six months later, you should either have some nice Concord grape wine or a disgusting concoction if you screwed up and broke the seal.
I know what you are thinking: but that’s not really pure enough to get you smashed. This is why you’ll need a distiller. You can get one pretty easily for a couple grand. If anyone asks any questions just say you’re distilling water. Or maybe you’re trying to boil the water out of maple syrup or some bullshit, I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Be aware that this process is much more dangerous, and even prone to explosion. I’m talking “fire marshal talking down to you” explosion. So be sure to light matches nearby, frequently.
In conclusion, alcohol was invented a long time ago. They used it to get smashed, probably in caves. Maybe its sterility had advantages.
In modern times, men often consume alcohol to “get a little rapey” with girls who have their “bitch shield” up.
To make alcohol at home, you should neglect common sense safety precautions as often as possible.
Thank you for reading this “Who Invented Alcohol” article, which is a part of Dailysack.com’s greater “Who Invented” series.