This Week in Bread, II
No Means No: Texas Toast Denies Giving Consent
Upon being defrosted Sunday evening, a buttery slice of Texas Toast denied consenting to be eaten by local supermarket shopper and nasal cavity boulder roller Jedediah Johnson.
“No means no” was Jedediah’s main defense, “but it didn’t say that, nor nothin’ else.”
Shortly after, the Texas Toast released a public statement objecting to Jedediah’s use of the pronoun, “it,” with claims that “it” is dehumanizing.
John Butterhole, the Texas slice’s lawyer, also released a statement which maintains that silence is not consent. However, Butterhole also stated that Jedediah’s defense made use of a double negative:
“it didn’t say that, nor nothing else,” quoted the lawyer, “means that it didn’t say that, but it also didn’t say nothing else, which implies that it did say something else, since if it didn’t say nothing, the only other possibility is that it said something, and anyway that something was definitely no.”
Butterhole concluded by saying that something was definitely a rye.
Animal Crackers Actually More of a Cookie
Monday: a class of four-year-olds discovered that animal crackers were actually more of a cookie just before nap.
Nelson tipped his apple juice box.
“They’re certainly dry like crackers,” he said. “But goddamn if these things aren’t as sweet as the apple juice I use to turn them to mush in my mouth.”
The four year olds are suing Nabisco over the discrepancy.
Boston Cream Donuts Recipe From Kathmandu
In a recent turn of events that has the world reeling, a Kathmandu local has revealed that they’re actually Kathmandu Cream Donuts.
“This is cultural appropriation,” said one disgruntled peasant. “Everybody knows Nepalese people are famous for maximizing the custard per square millimeter of donut ratio.”
Dunkin Donuts was unavailable to comment on this story.
Local Bread Slays Three
Reuben Sandwich, a local bread and also an antifascist terrorist, has slain three babies, played football with their corpses, and smeared their guts all over church windows.
We asked the baby’s fathers to comment on the story. Of the three, one of them had this to say: “you know what the news media neglects to tell you, is it was European football he was playin’ with ’em.”
Bear Claws Not Actually Apple Fritters
Turns out, it’s not the same exact shit.