Sheemie Ruiz

Why is the Dark Tower Movie So Horrible?

You may have seen director Nicolaj Arcel’s Dark Tower movie.

Fans widely regard the Dark Tower movie as a turd sandwich. But are there good points?

This article on the Dark Tower movie will be short and sweet.

Let’s get right into it.

Is The Dark Tower Based on a Book?

No, the Dark Tower is not based on a book.

And therein lies the problem.

The Dark Tower movie is based on 7 books.

This 7 book series is deep, rich, and complex.

However, they crammed all of that into an hour and a half.

That is why the Dark Tower movie has a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Right?

Okay.

Take Harry Potter for example. Imagine there was only one movie for all 7 Harry Potter books. Painful, right? OK, now imagine they left Ron and Hermoine out of the film. Also they left out Hagrid, Neville, and Draco. Oh and you see Voldermort like mad early so it’s not even mysterious or anything.

Reasons Why the Dark Tower Movie is Horrible

Dark Tower Movie Eddie Dean
  • No Eddie Dean (That’s right, Eddie is not in the Dark Tower movie)
  • No Detta, Odetta, or Susannah Dean
  • No Calvin Tower
  • No Tick Tock Man (Andrew Quick)
  • No Sheb the piano player
  • No Zoltan
  • No Brown
  • No Aaron Deepneau
  • No Mayor Thorin
  • No Olive Thorin
  • No Oy
  • No Depape
  • No Reynolds
  • No Hax the Cook
  • No Lobstrosities
  • No Blaine the Mono (see you later alligator)
  • No Patricia the Mono (in a while crocodile don’t forget to write)
  • No turtle of enormous girth, no back on which he holds the earth
  • No, like, books 2-6
  • No Wind
  • No Keyhole

Reasons the Dark Tower Movie is Actually Good

  • They kind of got Can’- Ca No Rey right
  • They spelled the movie title correctly on the title screen with no typos or anything
  • The desert Roland was in looked a bit like a real desert. I think it had sand

Who Wrote the Dark Tower Movie?

The Abomination known as the Dark Tower Movie was written by four idiot butchers:

  • Akiva Goldsman
  • Nikolaj Arcel
  • Anders Thomas Jensen
  • Jeff Pinkner

Is the Dark Tower Movie Canon?

If you order a burger, wait 20 years for it to come out the kitchen, and then receive a salad, did you eat meat? Give me a fucking break.

Is Pennywise in the Dark Tower?

No. As far as I’ve been able to determine, Pennywise himself is not in the Dark Tower series. However, Dandolo is in the Dark Tower. Dandolo seems to be the same kind of being as Pennywise, but not the same exact “person,” as it were. I’ve seen this question come up a lot, and one day in the future I’m going to do proper research and then dedicate an entire article to this topic.

Are They Going to Make Another Dark Tower Movie?

I really hope they’re not going to try this again. Realistically, the Dark Tower books are so dense and packed that you need a deep series to cover everything. Amazon was going to do a series, but they didn’t pick up the pilot. But really, even a series of 7 books wouldn’t be enough. In my opinion, there’s just too much source material.

Conclusion

These are just my opinions, but I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who holds them. Still, nerdery is a realm in which fans sometimes fiercely disagree, so don’t take my word as the gold standard.

But I am a pretty big fan.

Thanks for reading.